Living Through Grief and Loss
Grief and loss are probably one of the most common issues that people seeking therapy and healing contact me about. The scenarios are mostly always different, but the pain of losing your loved one can overtake a person in ways that are unimaginable. The thoughts and feelings associated with reckoning the loss can be overwhelming. It is an agonizing space to try to live in. I've heard countless stories of people trying to keep noise alive in the house so that they don't feel alone …or experiences where one is driving around the city, with no real mission before them, just to have something to do. Or people adopting new habits that they previously had stayed away from because they knew it was dangerous to them. Even countless stories of struggling folks sleeping day after day away in a cloud of dark despair as an attempt to escape the reality of life without that special someone. The “real life” effects of living through grief and loss are real.
I've worked a great deal with people who have experienced the after effects of dealing with loss. Many times, people describe it as an eternal “black cloud” that seems to be hovering above their heads. People find simple daily routines increasingly difficult to complete when trying to get through a loss. Although the experience can be quite overwhelming and there may not seem to be a reasonable resolution in sight, there are things that one can do to try to help them get through that excruciating period. You never really get over the loss of a significant loved one; but with assistance, resources and education, you can learn to keep pushing and get through the situation.
Keep Moving Your Wheels
I know that it can be tempting to crawl into bed, pull the covers over your head, and never get up again, but burying your head under a the blankets for an eternal respite from life has serious pit-falls. It is critically important to continue “moving your feet” in the aftermath of experiencing a loss. Many times when I would visit work sites immediately after there had been a critical incident, one of the points that I stressed to employees is that you should not begin avoiding work in the weeks and months after you have experienced a crisis or loss.
Now, of course there are situations when a person may have to take extended leave from work, under supervised medical care, to deal with the mental, emotional and/or financial effects of a significant loss. Those situations are a bit different. What I am referring to is the everyday movement and caretaking after a reasonable grieving period for an uncomplicated loss. Move your feet. Push yourself to get up and complete personal hygiene routines. Leave the house for a little bit to do what you need to do. What you don’t want to happen is that you take on behavior patterns that support a growing aversion and/or anxiety to living your life and moving forward.
This brings me to my next point below…
2. Don't Make Any Major Life Decisions
I know that it can be tempting to want to change something big about your life or to make a decision to try something that you have never tried before in the immediate aftermath of a loss. You may be overcome with the feeling of wanting to renew yourself or to cleanse or purge all that reminds you of the period of time that was already so emotionally difficult. The truth is that immediately after a loss is the worst time to make any major life decisions. I often talk about the state that a person is in when they have experienced a crisis can suspend time in a way that creates stagnation and immobility for a person mentally and emotionally.
It can take anywhere from a couple of days to several weeks for a person to begin to move through and process a traumatic or complicated grief situation. Therefore, it is highly suggested that you refrain from making decisions that could be considered “rushed” and poorly thought out in a moment of confusion and compromised clarity.
3. Get A Diagnostic For Your “Check Engine” Light
Just like you take your car in for service when there's a light on that you don't usually see, we must become skilled at recognizing when our emotional check engine lights are on. Grief can affect every part of our lives; from operations at work, to a dealings with loved ones and friends, to our overall productivity on a daily basis. Many times people find themselves in situations where they are losing sleep, eating less, and overall experiencing symptoms of physical stress.
It is important to recognize the signs of physical and emotional stress so that you can address it and find remedy in a healthy way. Ask yourself is your quality of sleep such that you can function at your optimal level the next day? Are you eating on a normal schedule or are there full days passing without you even picking up so much as a morsel.? Are you driving from point A to point B and not able to recall any specifics about the experience in between? Are your communication patterns with loved ones and coworkers becoming broken or confusing or aggressive? If you are in that situation and looking for a place to start, you can always reach out to your regular primary care physician.
Additionally, most insurance companies have a customer service number that you can dial to request assistance in finding a mental health provider in your community specializing in the area that you need. Lastly, many employers now offer employee assistance programs, commonly known as EAPs, to assist workers in gaining quick, qualified care in their greatest times of need.
4. Look For Ways To Honor Your Loved Ones Memory & Plan For The Hard Times Of The Year
When going through a loss, it can be so easy to become consumed emotionally in what you are experiencing that you forget to look ahead for things that are coming up. Finding ways to honor your loved ones memory can be extremely helpful in helping you to turn the pain of agonizing grief into a deeply rewarding experience of love and passion. Taking up a new cause, creating a new platform, donating something to person who represents your loved one and/or their life, engagement in memorial activities, or simply setting time aside to remember and adore what he or she stood for are just a few ways that clients have chosen to honor their loved one.
When I'm working with groups who have experienced loss, I say over and over again “plan for the hard times”. This just simply means to look ahead and determine which days and dates may be particularly hard because of the significant meaning it has in relation to your loss. Birthdays, holidays, special times, significant places and anniversaries are all dates to be aware of. Identifying these ahead of time will give you a fair opportunity to plan for them. You may choose to plan a significant outing or small gathering to help you through the day. Some people prefer to make the day an event focused on some sort of service activity or small donation event.
Whatever you choose, make it significant to and relevant to your loss and above all else, make sure it is honorable to the memory of your loved one. The meaning behind it will help create purpose and a focal point for the hodge-podge of feelings you may experience during this season.
5. Create Things To Look Forward To; Even When You Don't Feel Like It
One strategy that I almost always use with clients is the creation of a calendar in which you can list all of the upcoming events that are scheduled for the next month. I have found that the calendar method works well for individuals, as well as, families as it creates a visual reminder of times and experiences one can look forward to. Upcoming celebrations/events as well as moments of relaxation that can be scheduled within the next couple of weeks are helpful reminders to a grieving person that life still goes on. Things to look forward to help us stay reminded of the remaining purpose that we all hold.
7. Find Supportive Circles And Resources
Similar to the suggestion for you to reach out to qualified health professionals, it is a must that you connect yourself with supportive circles and resources to help you get through this difficult time. In this age of advanced technology, virtual groups and face-to-face groups are massively available. The opportunities for connections to these circles are all around us and easy to locate through simple internet searches and community resources.
Many of your health providers will also have lists of resources available in your community. I am a huge proponent for individual counseling and intervention, so by linking with your behavioral health department of your insurance company you may find it very easy to narrow down the mental health options available to you. Take advantage and do those things that can help you to heal and move forward.